Thursday, December 15, 2011

Bonus Post: The Ten Things I've Learned From Horror Movies

One of my favorite genres is the horror genre, whether the movie is good or bad. Nine times out of ten, you can take something away, even if it's corny and stupid.

So, in no particular order...Ten Things I've Learned From Horror Movies

1. Video cameras are ALWAYS a bad idea. Do you really need to know what's going on in your house at night? I mean, are things being broken, stolen, anything like that? If not, just let it go. Doubt me? Uh, hello Paranormal Activity series. And please, if you're going on some kind of covert assignment, don't take one. Again, doubt me? Quaratine.

2. If you're not sure whether or not you locked the doors and windows--don't check. Yes, I just told you to not check. Why? Because if you do, one of two things will happen. Either you'll find one open, and will freak out and draw attention to yourself, thus making the crazy person's job easier. Or, you'll find you did in fact lock everything, but sometime during the course of your distracted wandering through the house, the crazy person still managed to sneak in. And you're still dead.

3. If the phone rings, you answer it, and you don't know the person on the other end with the spooky voice--you're probably going to die. Soon. Exceptions to this can be seen in Scream and so on, but generally speaking, scary voice, creepy phone call, you're screwed.

4.If you're female, do NOT share a dorm room/apartment/house/bus/car with another female. What's that, you say? I'm being ridiculous? Let's take a look at what happens to nice, normal girls who decide to not live alone. My evidence: The Roommate. Scream 2. Single White Female. Decide to share a car/vehicle? Texas Chainsaw Massacre. Wrong Turn. Last House on the Left. The Hills Have Eyes. I think I've given enough examples.

5. That virgin thing? Out the window. Yep. Thank you, reboots/remakes/new material. We've now entered the era where giving it up does not, in fact, make you the "bad" girl in a movie. As a matter of fact, there are a number of "good" girls who save the goods and still bite the dust. Case in point: Penelope from My Soul to Take.

6. Speaking of giving it up, guys--do NOT be a douchebag and cheat on your girl. The chances are good that you're going to die at some point, and while it won't necessarily be because you cheated, at least in the movie, the chances are good. And when you die, it will not be pretty. Take a look at the boyfriend in Scream 4. Ouch.

7. Any major event in your life is the perfect time for a bloodbath. Birthdays, anniversaries, school dances...you have to be super vigilant. Prom Night, Cabin Fever 2 (which, coincidentally, did not involve a cabin at all), My Soul to Take, Scream, Sorority Row. And here you always thought just going to the event was a huge deal--surviving was the best part.

8. Possession is way more common than people think. I mean, Jesus. Everytime you turn around, someone's soul is in danger. Again, I point to My Soul to Take. I know there are other examples, I just happen to be watching it right now, so I'm kind of drawing a blank on others.

9. Speaking of souls, they are always up for flippin' grabs. Car wreck? Soul Survivors. Piss off a bank client? Drag Me to Hell. Have the poor luck to be born on top of a burial ground that didn't get moved when it should have? Poltergeist. Born in a town worshipping Satan and sacrificing their second children because they're annoyed with God? The Reaping. Go out to salvage a ship that hasn't turned up on the open ocean in years? Ghost Ship.

10. The only way to keep a secret is to make sure everyone involved is dead. Seriously. If you kill someone, witnessed a crime, committed some other kind of crime, and you had more than yourself involved, at some point there will be a blood bath taking out the other participants. I KnowWhat You Did Last Summer, Sorority Row, House on Haunted Hill. Okay, the last one wasn't really a secret-thing, but since the people who died didn't know, it kind of was. The point is: if you're going to go felonious, do it solo.

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